just come out here and I will go home with you...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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