I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Fuck me I smell like cheese
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
