you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
