hotel room ftw
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i've created a new STD.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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