to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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