my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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