So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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