Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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