He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
