My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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