Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
