just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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