based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
