I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
