I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
