based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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