So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
