Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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