are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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