Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
