"it" just moved
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
