Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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