I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
