Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
