I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That's how pantless uber rides happen
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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