There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Two words: nipple clamps
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
