New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
