Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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