we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
