Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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