Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I need to calm my uterus...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
