oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
