They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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