Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
