I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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