I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
...so i touched it.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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