Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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