from now on my penis is your penis
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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