gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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