how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
