The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
