i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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