This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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