Welp...herpes.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
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I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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