This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
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i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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