I want to walk on stilts...naked
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
