As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
