he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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