Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
