when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
