Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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