Dude my mom stole all your condoms
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
