One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
