Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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