Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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