if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
