just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sorry about my life...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize