We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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