meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
