You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
